Autobot G1 Retirement Home : Halloween
by Prander
Summary: The old bastards go trick or treating. Hope this brings ya a laugh! Graphic language. Happy Halloween!


**SLAM**

"Trick or treat, you smell like feet. Leave some for us, because you had enough to eat." Wheeljack rhymed as he thrust his sack out at the heavyset housewife glaring at him from behind her large Tupperware bowl of Halloween candy.

"Excuse me?" she frowned, cocking an eyebrow at him.

"No, I don't think I will. Come on lady, you gonna give me some candy or what?" he frowned.

Hesitating, she dropped a single, small mini-treat into Wheeljack's bag. He leaned over in his powered wheelchair and stared down into his oil stained burlap sack.

"Whoooa, big spender." his rusty globe shaped head flashed in annoyance as he looked up at her. Suddenly he leaned forward and grabbed the edge of the bowl. "Look at this shit." he growled to Bumblebee, who stood behind him weaving slightly. "More _empty _wrappers than full. Lemme guess. Ya eat five for every one you hand out?" And then he backed up and slammed her screen door in her face, knocking her bowl up in the air and scattering the candy.

"Fuck _you_, you rude old bastard!" she cried, lowering the half empty bowl with an outraged glare.

"I got a feeling we're going to hear that a lot tonight." Bumblebee sighed as he turned away. "Come on, man. Let's just go to the next house." he went on, capping his flask and heading back down the steps. Wheeljack, still grumbling, turned around and thumped down the steps, going right over the toes of a seven year old Spiderman who screamed bloody murder and started crying. The old Autobot mechanic didn't even slow his chair or turn around.

"Hey asshole, you ran over my kid!" the boy's enraged father cried.

"Well, why dontcha stand behind him next time so I can get you too?" Wheeljack called, giving the man the finger over his shoulder without even looking. He and Bumblebee reached the sidewalk and headed back down the block, numerous people giving the old retired Autobots a wide berth.

"Damn yuppie larva. It's a like a ball pit exploded around here. Why don't these brats get outta my way?"

"They're probably wondering why Grandpa's car wants to go trick or treating." Bumblebee made a sour face.

"Hey, you remember that when you're beggin' me for a Snickers!"

For a moment they both went down into the street, stopping where Sunstreaker, Sideswipe and Bluestreak all sat drinking beers on Trailbreaker's tailgate. Then had been at some time as they waited for Wheeljack to finish. Even as Wheeljack and Bumblebee watched, a mother dressed up as Sailor Moon crossed in front of the three medium Autobot warriors, trailing her two kids. They whistled and cat-called at her.

"Heeey, Sailor Moon, wanna change the tides and divert some of my fluids?" Bluestreak leered, the other two cackling in delight.

She spun around, indignant. "Oh, real _nice_ you jerks! I have my kids with me!"

"If you don't wanna sell the cake, then don't decorate it." Bluestreak burp, even as he popped open a fresh can.

"You're lucky I don't go and get my husband!" the woman fumed.

"Nooo, _he's _lucky you don't go and get him. We'd play some kick-ball!" Bluestreak snarled, kicking an empty can at her with his foot. She fled down the street, wailing.

"Winning the hearts and minds of the people I see." Bumblebee groused as he came walking up. Suddenly he pushed forward and seized his beer cooler from between Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.

"Will you rusty old bastards stop drinking my beer?" he cried. "I don't know why the hell I agreed to this!"

"What's your problem, Stumblebee?" Bluestreak was weaving slightly right where he sat. "They're handing out more all around us!"

"They're not handing out _beer_, you idiot. It's candy. It's called Halloween."

"Well then...we're on the wrong fuckin' street!" the silver colored old warrior announced, tilting his head back as he guzzled away.

Sunstreaker squinted red-eyed at all the parents hurrying by with their kids, heading up and down the neighborhood as they went after as much candy as possible. He scratched his rusty old chin.

"Judging by the looks on the faces of some of these fathers, they _should_ be handing out beer." he commented.

"Some people actually like their families." Bumblebee sneered at him. "Unlike you old rust buckets!"

Wheeljack's head spun around to glare up at him from his wheelchair. "Who da fuck are you, all of a sudden? Captain Fertility? I don't see _you_ with any kids!" his head flashed in the growing dark of early evening.

"I have to look after you, don't I?" Bumblebee countered.

"Fuck you, kid! If I had legs.."

"You'd just blow them off your body again!" Bumblebee gave his chair a spin and shoved it away with his foot.

"Bumblebee tried to have a family once." Sideswipe piped up.

"Dressing up Spike doesn't count!" Bluestreak cackled.

"Fuck _you _guys, man. Is it any wonder I drink?"

"Nah, man, I'm talking about that time he took those mushrooms and we found him humping that Mrs. Pacman machine." Sideswipe elbowed Sunstreaker.

"Oh, _God_."

"I bet they never intended for that sound effect to be used like _that_!" Sunstreaker chimed in.

"Don't you idiots dare..." Bumblebee started, but it was to late. All three medium sized Autobots pumped the air with both fists near their waists, mimicking a humping motion.

"Wakka wakka wakka!" they cried in unison.

"I swear to God, I'm gonna murder you all in your sleep!" Bumblebee snarled but just then Optimus Prime came running up in his garish Ninja Turtle costume, his arms full of pink lawn flamingos.

"Streakblue! Swipestreaker! They're handing out flamingos!" he cried, dumping them all on the pavement at their feet. Immediately he snatched one up and bit into it.

"By the Matrix, these are awesome!" he munched away.

As Bumblebee fought to get it away from him, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe looked on.

"I still don't know how he does that without a mouth." Sideswipe frowned.

"Ehhh, it's good for the story." Sunstreaker answered as he popped open a fresh can of beer.

"Help me take this away from him, dammit!" Bumblebee wailed. "Plastics make him fart!"

"Cowabunga!" Prime cried.

"Jesus, Prime." Wheeljack shook his head. He hefted his sack. "Come on, Bumblebee. Feed him a lawn gnome and let's get going. I wanna finish going around. Prime better not have ruined for me at any of these houses!"

"They only way Prime could have ruined for you, you old bastard, is if he burnt the house down!" Bumblebee wrenched the flamingo out of Prime's hands.

And so it went, as Bumblebee and Wheeljack went from house to house, each one providing a new (and regrettable) experience.

"What the fuck is this shit?" Wheeljack held up the oddly wrapped bar. The fit young woman in her designer work out gear flashed a sickeningly upbeat smile at him..

"Oh, we here at the Johnson home believe in handing out nutritional snack substitutes on this hallowed eve. These are protein bars with one hundred percent whole grains." she gushed.

"You're one of those lame ass, health-nut houses, huh?" Wheeljack stared at her. "Why dontcha just shove an acorn up my ass!? I got news for you lady, you'll find all these health bars stuffed up the tailpipe of your car where the rest of the kids put em'!" and he flicked the bar in her face, making her jumped back with a startled sputter.

SLAM!

**ooo**

"Wait a minute. What is _this_?" At the next house, Wheeljack peered into his bag.

"Those are homemade cookies." the bubbly housewife replied, holding a wide tray of individually plastic wrapped treats. "You can't get better than homemade cookies. I made these cookies myself. People have always raved about how they love my special cookies."

"What are you, a commercial? Look lady, people only say your cookies are special because it insures that you only make them once a year!" Wheeljack dug of the treat and tossed it back in her face.

"I gawdamn guarantee you they end up in the garbage. And as for handing them out tonight, I'm sure people appreciate the nice bag of crumbs when they get home!"

"Oh my goodness!" she cried, scuttling back. Wheeljack seized her screen door, his eyes blazing.

"I can name something better than your gawdamn special cookies. It's call _anything_!"

SLAM!

And so on it went...

* * *

**"What in the unholy fuck is this!? It smells like fish! Does that smell like fish to you, kid?"**

** "Yeah."**

"It's Gorpindaus candy from Khazakhstan."

**"Why is it sticking to my hand!?"**

"It's made with real zuggernaggen! I love America!"

** "It burns!"**

SLAM!

* * *

"We don't believe in celebrating this unholy solstice. The good Lord taught us that..."

**"Look here, I don't need savin', I need ****chocolate. ****Get over there and hand me that bag of Doritos. Go on! We wouldn't want you to be subject to the evils of corn chips now, would we, brother? For fuck sake!" **

SLAM!

* * *

"We're atheists. We don't believe in any ritualistic practices of any kind and we surely don't believe in spirits or ghosts."

**"...do you have any chocolate or not?"**

"Umm...no."

**"Well if you don't get your ass over there and hand me that laptop you're gonna get your chance to find out if there really ****is ****a God. Hey, where the fuck you goin'? Bumblebee, step in there and get me that thing. Mother fucker is sure gonna believe in **_**some**_**thing**** when **_**I**_** get through with him."**

SLAM!

* * *

"Do you know how much energy it takes to produce plastic wrapped candy bars? Not to mention the environmental impact of factory waste!"

**"****Jesus Christ****. You want an impact, hippy? It's gonna be this fuckin' missile when I shoot it through your front door! Hand me that TV. Yes, that one! We don't want you wasting energy now, do we?"**

SLAM!

* * *

**"It said 'take just one', you little shit! What, you think I didn't see you empty the whole bowl ahead of me? What's left for me, huh? Some leaves!? There, let's see how you like em'! Chew em' up! And dump your bag into mine. That's right, the whole fuckin' thing. Stop bawling and eat your leaf!"**

* * *

**"Why the hell does the inside of your house stink so bad? It's like a slap in the face! You smell that, Bumblebee? You got a dead cat in there, or what? Open a fuckin' window! No thanks, man! I don't want any of _your_ candy. You might have lifted it off a corpse!"**

SLAM!

* * *

**"Well?"**

"Dude, that's like, so nineteen ninety five, you know? My mom and dad do that shit, like, hand out candy and stuff and...hey, that's my Xbox! What are you doing!? Stop!"

SLAM!

* * *

**"And when I come back tomorrow you'll be sure to have bought more than just one bag, right, cheap ass? Nod your head and smile. And gimme that fuckin' Iphone. Who were you gonna call, huh? Huh!? The Ghostbusters?"**

SLAM!

* * *

"Hey listen, I think it's great you stopped those older kids from taking my kid's candy. You Autobots are okay. I think we should...umm...what are you _doing_?"

**"I only stopped them so I could take it myself. But don't feel too bad, that's a helluva mask, kid."**

"B-b-but I'm not wearing a mask."

** "Then you're ugly. Now, fuck off."**

* * *

**"That's right, just dump your candy right on in the sack. You too, Pikachu, let's go."**

"We spent all night getting this stuff!"

** "So start over."**

"Aren't...aren't you one of the good guys?"

** "What color is the sky in your world, kid? Come on, hand it over."**

* * *

"But...but I..."

** "The way I see it, if you're rich enough to buy full-sized candy bars, you're rich enough to buy more. Right? So put em' in the bag! That's right, all of them. And toss in that blu-ray player and your wallet, too."**

SLAM!

* * *

"We're sorry, Mr. Wheeljack. We didn't know it was you when we threw those eggs."

**"You kids have a pen handy? A marker?" **

"Uhhh...no."

** "Well, be sure to get one. Because you'll need it to sign your cast tomorrow."**

"Aieeee!"

* * *

**"Wax lips? Seriously? There are actually people out there who hand out these things?"**

"Aren't they hilarious?"

**"I don't even have a mouth, you stupid asshole! C'mere! Let's see what**_** your**_** lips are made out of!"**

"Aieeee!"

SLAM!

* * *

**"What the..."**

"Oh, don't worry, he doesn't bite. Mr. Muffy just loooves people. Don't you, my little man? Isn't he adorable? Look at his tail wag! Ohhhh, look. He made tinkles on your wheel just like a big doggie would. He must like you! Hehehehe...wait...wait, no! Stop! NO! Muffy! Muffeeeeee!"

** "...Bumblebee, you got any tissues?"**

SLAM!

* * *

**"You wanna trick before you give me a treat, huh, wise ass? Well...see, I got this invention here I made last week. I'm pretty sure this button will burn the top level off your house...or make your wife explode. Would that be a good enough trick? Yeah, that's right, just dump the whole bowl right in there. Have a good night, citizen."**

* * *

"What the_ fuck_ is wrong with you!?"

** "Well, you didn't answer your doorbell so I figured throwing your pumpkin through the front window would get your attention."**

"Is that...is that a _gun_?"

** "Is that a flat-screen TV?"**

SLAM!

* * *

And at the last, Wheeljack and Bumblebee made their way back to the other Autobots, Wheeljack's chair creaking ominously under his load of piled up loot. Bumblebee trailed behind him, his arms full and teetering under several appliances and TV sets.

"You really are a horrible old bastard, you know that?" he wheezed.

"I was called that so many times tonight, they should make a costume for it and pattern it off of me!" Wheeljack cackled from behind six huge sacks of candy and personal belongings.

They made it back down to Trailbreaker, where Bluestreak lay unconscious on the ground, and while Bumblebee rounded up Optimus Prime, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe helped Wheeljack loaded up his loot.

"Is that a poodle head?" Sideswipe was staring into one bag. "Gross!"

"Never mind that now, come on, load it up!" Wheeljack snapped.

"Pretty damn big haul. Was it worth it?" Sunstreaker asked, hefting up a bulging sack of candy.

"Fuck yeah!" Wheeljack crowed. "I love Christmas!"

THE END

**Be sure to check out the accompanying trailer video on my youtube channel Prander5x5! Happy Halloween!**


End file.
